SAN FRANCISCO, CA – According to horrified witnesses at Yerba Buena Park, local techie Henrik Samuelson, 29, dropped his overpriced $18 cheeseburger while walking to the nearest park bench.
A boisterous, “F***!” could be heard as the burger slipped from his hands and onto the ground. “I'm so pissed! I stood in line for damn near an hour and now I have to go back to work,” exclaimed Henrik. “Hungry,” he added for good measure. Pigeons quickly swooped in to claim a piece of the fallen meaty treat.
Witnesses confirmed the cheeseburger was precariously stacked and bound to fall. “Everyone knows what the correct composition of a burger is supposed to be,” said one observer. The bun serves as the base and is topped with pickles and condiments, which serve as an adhesive. Next comes the beef, melted cheese, tomato, lettuce, onion, and a squirt of your sauce of choice. Finally, the top bun completes the iconic food structure.
“Whoever built that burger needs to be fired,” said Quintella Jenkins, a local resident who witnessed the incident. Demonstrating how the cheeseburger fell, she recounted: “I could tell something was wrong by the way it was leaning to one side. Somebody even put the lettuce on the bottom. Like, for real?!”
Henrik looked crestfallen, as one can be only after unceremoniously dropping their lunch in front of a crowd. He tried to explain it could have been avoided. “The build of a burger is quite Vitruvian if fundamental principles of architecture are kept in mind.” He continued, “Firmitas (strength), utilitas (functuality), and venustas (beauty) must be applied in order to achieve the perfect cheeseburger.”
According to reports, observers blame the demise of the cheeseburger on Henrik's distraction when he tried to answer his cellphone. The situation was complicated by his small hands, which couldn't seem to handle the girth of the massive double cheeseburger. Witness Quintella Jenkins pointed to the latter being the bigger culprit. “You need size 9 hands or bigger to eat that big ass burger and multitask,” she said.
A 30-second video clip was posted by an anonymous user on Twitter showing Henrik dropping his burger in slow motion. The clip has gone viral and the hashtag #BurgerFail trended for 24 hours. Millions of users shared their own failed burger frustration and spawned countless memes.
Social media infamy can be fleeting, but Henrik did the smart thing and capitalized on his newfound popularity. He put his minor degree in art to use for the first time in his life by illustrating a falling burger on a t-shirt. All proceeds currently go to his bank account. He plans to fund a non-profit foundation dedicated to educating the masses on the proper composition of a burger. “No one should have to go through such a disappointment during their lunch break,” proclaimed Henrik. “I am committed to stopping such accidents from ruining the lunches of working people everywhere.”