Written by RooPea | Illustration by Georgi Dimitrov - Erase
Produced by ZillaMunch
October 2018

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. - House lawmakers approved a Beer Draft bill on Tuesday after weeks of spirited debate. The bill is now moving to the Senate where it is expected to undergo hotly contested negotiations.

The 2,000 page legislation seeks to establish a new Beer Draft force and serves as a centerpiece for Beer Draft policy discussions and fights. It plans to attract active Beer Draft members across America and includes funding for propaganda campaigns around the benefits of draft beer. The bill stipulates a significant increase in R&D budget for draft beer systems.  Sources familiar with the text report that additional clandestine expenditures related to America's favorite drink were also included.

Mandatory enlistment in the military draft has a controversial history in America. It is filled with conscientious objectors, moral issues pertaining to forced military servitude, and racial and economic disparity in enlistees. The proposed Beer Draft recognizes the disruptive aspects of prior military drafts. Consistent with national beer security, it would seek to build morale and to right the wrongs of past drafts.

"This bill takes the next steps in building a mighty Beer Force and uniting the country spirits with American beer," said beer lobbyist Al Hopper.

Multiple environmental groups have also expressed their support for the bill. "More carbon dioxide sequestered in beer kegs means less of the greenhouse gas in the atmosphere. Beer can cool the planet as well as us!", commented the leader of the Cooler Planet Now campaign.

Senate Beer Services Committee released key provisions of the bill which include the following:

1. Quota System - Quota system will be established to ensure that all genders, races, ethnicities, age groups, and sexual orientations are fairly represented in the Beer Draft. The bill seeks to overcome America's past history and current tendency to disadvantage certain groups. The Beer Draft will be the most inclusive force in the history of the United States.

2. Random selection of draftees. Within the parameters established by the quota system, a random selection process will be used to ensure fairness. The only criteria being that individuals are of legal drinking age and are currently sober. 

3. Size Matters. The Beer Force will enlist 200,000 new recruits. The special ops organization of Brewholics will add 50,000 brewers. The Drinkers Corp will add 45,000 beer testers and 60,500 reserve forces.

4. Virtual Reality Beer Goggles. A partnership between the United Beer Forces and DARPA will train enlistees with beer goggle virtual reality systems. An augmented and virtual reality environment would allow them to safely play a variety of bar games. 

5. Free draft beer for life. The legislation mandates for all active and veteran members to receive free draft beer for life. Bottoms up.

6. Establish a Department for Beer Affairs Special Commision for Abuse Prevention and Counceling of the Beer Draft force. Responsible use is paramount for the success of the Beer Draft force. Free counseling centers will be available to all draftees to help prevent beer addiction and alcoholism.

7. Establish "Beer Draft Media Campaign" -  a propaganda campaign of the  Office of National Beer Draft Policy (ONBDP) with the goal to influence the attitudes of the public and the news media with respect to draft beer. 

8. Sequestering of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. Breweries routinely run out of carbon dioxide to package beer for distribution. The beer oxidizes and is ruined without this crucial ingredient. A private-public partnership will be established to develop technologies for efficiently sequestering the greenhouse gas from the atmosphere. The added side benefit will be eliminating global warming and saving life on Earth.

Senate lawmakers are expected to finalize their version of the Beer Draft bill within days. The president has indicated that she would gladly sign the bill once it lands on her desk. She added "I looks forward to celebrating this historic achievement with a nice cold beer."