Written by Daniel Hardee | Illustrations by André Muller
Produced by ZillaMunch
Draymond "The Pressure Cooker" Green
Superhero Ability - Pressurized Player Confinement
The ability to channel stress and pressure into powerful lockdown defense. When Draymond is filled with tension, he traps his opponent along the baseline with his powerful defensive lid.
Draymond Green has quickly established himself as one of the NBA’s most elite defenders. His competitive fire burns hottest in the most high pressure games. He feeds off in-game stress and gets stronger and stronger, channeling it into his signature style of destructive defense.
Best Stat - The Most Unique Triple-Double In NBA History
There is only one man in the history of basketball to record a triple-double while scoring only FOUR points. His name: Draymond Green. 12 rebounds, 10 steals, 10 assists and 5 blocks resulted from the Pressure Cooker ferocious efforts against the Memphis Grizzlies. Every other triple-double in the NBA record books needed at least 10 points. Not Draymond! He proved he is one of the most unique defensive forces in league history as he owned the game without needing to score.
Iconic Moment - Defensive Player Of The Year in 2016-2017
Draymond finally was awarded the Defensive Player of the Year Award in 2017 after two years of being snubbed. Being bestowed with this prestigious accomplishment validated his terrorizing, high pressure defensive genius. He uses his quickness to kill penetrating drives from the guards, yet has the physicality to stonewall lumbering giants at center. His vociferous trash talk is psychological weapon to both embolden his teammates and steal his opponent's confidence. He is the team's brain on defense: barking out instructions that stymie his foes' gameplans. Draymond's legacy as an all-time defensive monster was cemented with this accomplishment.
LeBron "King Pizzarati" James
Superhero Ability - Supernatural Intelligence
Possesses genius level tactical knowledge of basketball strategy to orchestrate team game plans. Allegedly bestowed with this incomparable wisdom by a secret society, called "The Pizzarati".
At 6’9 and 260 pounds, he is blessed with catlike quickness - slicing and dicing defenses with ease. He has a preternatural gift to play and defend every position. His brain is a supercomputer that analyzes impossibly enormous amounts of basketball data and turns it into a winning algorithm.
Whispers about the origins of this superhuman lead back to a four year stint in the demanding oven that is the mysterious Miami Heat organization. LeBron was initiated into a shadowy group known as "The Pizzarati" by the basketball wizard, a.k.a Pat Riley. Riley allegedly taught LeBron that his plenteous athletic abilities would not be enough to crush the league. Conspiracy theorists believe LeBron was molded like dough to absorb the dark arts. He rose as King Pizzarati: a genius behemoth with a supernatural intellect.
Best Stat - Most Consecutive Finals Played In
Since LeBron James was indoctrinated into the secret society of the Pizzarati, he has not missed the NBA Finals. Let that sink in. Nobody has reached seven NBA finals in a row in the past 50 years! Not just in the shadow kingdom of Miami either. After he grew tired of playing under Darth Riley's watchful eye, he went home to Cleveland and resurrected the decrepit Cavaliers. He then took THEM along for three straight trips to the final round. He has taken over 60 teammates with him to the championship round. In the modern era of basketball, this is absolutely unprecedented. No matter what toppings he has around him, King Pizzarati always manages to deliver a conference championship.
Iconic Moment - LeBron brings first NBA title to Cleveland
The Dominoes for LeBron's greatest of all time case fell his direction when he brought a title to the Hut (his hometown). The Cleveland Cavaliers were Down 3-1 in the NBA finals to the greatest regular season team of all time, heavily favored, 73 win, Golden State Warriors . He single handedly thwarted the Warrior's chance of basketball immortality.
LeBron WTF stat: he led all players in points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks. Even still, King Pizzarati realized his band of misfits and bench players were overmatched. He needed to dig even deeper. He went to his secret weapon, forged in Miami: psychological warfare. LeBron instigated a fight with the Warriors strongest defender, Draymond “The Pressure Cooker” Green. Once Draymond predictably lost his cool, King Pizzarati used his influence to get him suspended .
By the time the Warriors realized what LeBron was doing to them, it was too late. His Machiavellian plan orchestrated the most epic comeback in the history of all basketball. The final topping was the winning free throw in game 7 on the Warriors homecourt. As the confetti poured, the cameras surrounded him and he gushed into tears . King Pizzarati's visage is forever etched into the Mt Rushmore of basketball demigods.
Stephen "Ghost Pepper" Curry
Superhero Ability - Fire Transformation
Ability to shoot fireballs from great distances, can transform body into flames and move quickly. Akin to a ghost pepper, Steph's small size belies a dangerous heat factor. The ghost pepper's devilish heat is measured in Scoville units while Steph's is calculated by demoralizing treys.
Steph Curry's ability to knock down threes at historically high rates make him incomparable to any other player. He's the fastest, most efficient scorer in NBA history. When he heats up, he can shoot from any distance on the floor. His slender size and elite handle allows him to dash rapidly around defenders, like he's a pure fireball. When he's going, it's like his whole body becomes enveloped in flames.
An actual ghost pepper's Scoville heat rating maxes out at over 1 million. That's 400 times hotter than your average jalapeño pepper. Conclusion? Even a tiny piece of a ghost pepper will drastically affect the taste of a drink or food. In the same way, Steph's scorching presence profoundly alters defenses to act in bizarre ways, even when he doesn't have the ball. He flits around the court like the Flash, manifesting in open spots in the defense. Any opening allows him to ignite quickly beyond the arc, panicking defenders. Even a dash of The Ghost Pepper is enough to incinerate anyone foolish enough to get in his way.
THAT'S WHY HE’S THE ONLY UNANIMOUS MVP IN NBA HISTORY.
Best Stat - Most Threes Made in a Season (402)
Steph Curry completely torched all previous NBA records in 3 point shooting during the 2015-2016 season. He broke the "400" barrier before ANY OTHER PLAYER IN NBA HISTORY BROKE "300". He's is not just on a different level when it comes to hitting threes….he's in a completely different dimension. Steph appears and disappears like a ghost amongst the defenders as he launches searing bombs from downtown. He also shot 45% from trey to make 402 that season. His blazing hot accuracy proved a haunting demonstration of his preeminence as the most sizzling shooter ever.
Iconic Moment - Fiery Spirit in Game 4 vs Portland
Ghost Pepper made a dramatic return in a hostile Portland arena for game 4 in the 2015-2016 playoffs. This was his first game back after a devastating knee injury suffered in the first round. Sensing his teammates struggling, he took over the game. Steph activated Ghost Pepper mode, turning hot three point daggers into painful ulcers in the gut of the Portland fanbase. The Trailblazers owner sat in slack jawed amazement as he danced across the court hissing "I'm Back! I'm Back!" to the stunned crowd. The final tally: 40 points, a record 17 of them coming in the playoff overtime. The Warriors won, and the fan base was ecstatic that he had singed the competition again
Kawhi "Kommander Deep Freeze" Leonard
Superhero Ability - Ultimate Freeze
The ability to physically freeze an opponent in basketball. Kawhi's piercing touch envelops his opponent's body, chilling them to the bone.
If you dribble, he will steal it. If you shoot, he will block it. If you pass it, he will deflect it. Kommander Deep Freeze is straight cold-blooded on defense.
Opponents can't evade his tricky moves. Kawhi’s impeccable defensive footwork, as he slides into position, allows him to shadow their every move. His giant hands keep his opponents from getting comfortable in any position on the floor. The scariest part for his victims? His expression never breaks from a numbing, cold stare as he ices their shooting percentage. How could someone so excellent at completely sapping the life out of the competition be so stone faced about it?
Best Stat - The Only Active Player With More Steals than Fouls
Absolutely Insane Stat Alert: Kawhi is the only player in the game that has more steals (705) than fouls (697). Often, even the best offense is not enough to stop his defensive prowess. There is no one else in the league even close to this chilling statistical level of devastation. Kommander Deep Freeze's defensive eminence has spread fear throughout the hearts of the entire league.
Iconic Moment - Kawhi Leonard 2014 Finals MVP
Kawhi earned 2014's Finals Most Valuable Player honors after a series of stone cold killer performances on the grandest stage in all of basketball. Kawhi emphatically ascended as his team's best player with his ridiculous defensive display. He had grown men afraid to DRIBBLE in his vicinity during the Finals! Kommander Deep Freeze's bullying dominated the championship round. He constantly swarmed ball handlers and chilled the Heat's offensive spark. The Finals MVP trophy was validation of Kawhi's arrival as a cold-blooded, elite superstar.
Russell "The Blender" Westbrook
Superhero Ability - Supersonic Speed
The power to move around the court faster than any other player. He controls his speed to blend together the different tasks of scoring, passing, and rebounding. One moment he dashes to the paint to sneak rebounds over bigger defenders, the next he whisks passes to teammates for difficult assists.
Russell Westbrook's workload is absolutely ridiculous. He spins together stat sheets full of points, boards, and dimes into a tasty mix. His gargantuan performances are punctuated by YouTube breaking dunk exhibitions. He literally destroys the other teams soul when he slams it down. Much like a blender, his dunks are created at varying high speed settings. There's the "pulse" setting, where he probes the defense, pounding the air out of the ball. When he sees an opening, he turns the intensity up a notch to "shred", tearing up his defender and zooming by. As the center lurches in to help, Russ angrily ratchets up his speed to "grind", smashing an epic dunk over the big man's face. It gets messy out there! The whole thing is violent and loud - this dude can deafen a whole arena with a patented post-dunk feral scream.
Best Stat - Averaging a Triple-Double For a Season
There is only one player in the last 50 years to average a triple-double for a season: Russell Westbrook. It was previously considered too difficult to be repeated by anyone in the modern game. Westbrook defied conventional wisdom and conquered the hallowed statistical feat. He blended his scoring exploits, cagy rebounding, and great court vision to whip up an astonishing average: 31 points, 10 rebounds, and 10 assists over 81 games. 31-10-10!!! Most players in the NBA will never get a triple-double ONCE. Russell averaged it while leading the league in scoring. Translation? There was literally nothing the opposition could do to keep Westbrook from individually dominating them. The Blender is one of the very few players in the league with that level of control of the game.
Iconic Moment - Winning the MVP in 2016-2017
Winning the Most Valuable Player award validated Russell's status as one of the greatest players of his generation. The Blender emerged as an all-in-one, jack-of-all trades, do-it-all force for the ages. Every night Westbrook was on the court became a riveting drama. His breakneck pace and multi-faceted playmaking propelled his team into the NBA playoffs. His game mixed a variety of roles that he summoned depending on what the situation demanded.
The Blender's hustle and will is unmatched in todays game. He has blurred the lines of what his position even truly is. He scores like a wing, rebounds like a big man, but passes like a guard. What definition does he fit? What label does he fall under? The only surefire response is: undisputed M-V-P.