Written by RooPea | Illustrated by Mellin Paulo Bernardo
Produced by ZillaMunch

The Artichoke Council recently launched a nationwide anti-bullying campaign called "Art of the Choke."

The mission of "Art of the Choke" is to restore some semblance of dignity to people subjected to bullying.  It promotes effective chokeholds to reverse the tables on most would-be bullies. 

"This is a movement that propagates the idea that the proper amount of violence can be the right answer in certain situations," said Artichoke Council founder, Armen Hammer.

For its first initiative, the Artichoke Council will offer free anti-bullying classes in which participants learn six of the most lethal chokehold submissions. The lessons will focus on stealth of the attack, post fight psychological warfare techniques, and how to maintain one's violent edge. 

"Art of the Choke" is comprised of the following six chokeholds:

The Superhero

This chokehold is your chance to open up a can of galactic whoop ass and subdue the villain with a vice-like grip that would make Superman or Supergirl jealous.

The Superhero choke hold.

Stand in front of an opponent with legs slightly apart. Inhale and visualize your superhuman strength. Extend your arm like Darth Vader and tighten your hands around their neck. Proceed to raise the peon in the air. Enjoy the fear in their eyes!

The Old School

A classic move that forces the opponent onto their back like a defenseless turtle waving their legs in the air. 

The Old School choke hold.

This is a stealth attack from the back. Jump on the back of your opponent and grasp your arms around their neck. Roll on your back and close your legs around the bully's midsection. Revel in their useless attempts at kicking and plant the seeds of fear with a maniacal laugh.

El Bandito

This move is trickier to master than cracking the code of an encrypted vault. Persistence and practice are the key to success.

El Bandito choke hold.

Grasp your opponent and bring them to the ground. As you fall back, immobilize their arm and wrap your legs around their neck. Compress their neck arteries, lulling them to sleep. Your opponent will never know what happened. You've stolen their dignity! Now retreat like a bandit into the night.

The Acrobat

A flamboyant but brutal chokehold that requires the dexterity of a Cirque du Soleil aerialist.

The Acrobat choke hold.

Begin the move as if doing a front flip. While standing on your arms, use your legs to wrap around your standing opponent's neck. Then wrap your arms around their waste and squeeze with anaconda like pressure to immobilize them. Apply the chokehold to their neck with your legs. Enjoy the applause of the surrounding audience!

The Ninja

A super stealth mode of attack. The bully will not see this coming.

The Ninja choke hold

Jump on the opponent from behind and wrap your legs around their mid section. Compress the trachea or the carotid artery with your bare hands or a weapon of choice. Your opponent will pass out with more pressure because it restricts blood flow to the brain. Once your opponent faints, disappear as quietly as you appeared.

The Bully

A move designed to beat your foe at their own game. No fancy schmancy moves. Just an old-school bully beatdown maneuver.

The Bully choke hold.

Jump on your opponent's back and knock them over on their face with your weight. Straddle their back and use your weight to apply pressure on their spine. Use your legs for leverage and pull back on their chin as if trying to open a pickle jar. Make sure to pick through their pockets before standing up victorious!

"Bullying is an unfortunate fact of life. With proper training, everyone can be free of fear and restore their dignity. The artichoke chokeholds have been proven to prevent the despicable behavior that plagues our playgrounds, schools, and workplaces," said Armen Hammer.